Twas the night before Christmas
Her heart warmed with buttered rum
Mrs. Claus roused suspicious
Finished early with her sum
The numbers did not add up
More gifts made than children served
Like Vodka splashed in the cup
When the wine’s been well preserved
So with glasses on her nose
And red hot rod in her hand
She stalks her old man with prose
Meant for sailors far from land
Stirred awake by her mad taunts
Santa gathers up his elves
And leaves for one of his haunts
The North Pole dive “Jezebels”
Soon schnockered with ho ho hos
His Santa Barbies so fine
He is soon freed from his clothes
And his sleigh traded for wine
An elf runs to the misses
To warn her the old man’s spent
And finds her flush with kisses
Slurping eggnog with Clark Kent
That Fortress of Solitude
That eyesore locals revile
Where Superman dances nude
Apparently is her style
So the elf finds her out there
Her bifocals thick with fog
And calls her back to her care
The work orders in her log
Someone needs to bring the gifts
And munch the cookies and milk
Or we’ll all get the short shrifts
They’ll mail us coals wrapped in silk
She turns back to her boy toy
But Superman waves her off
“I’m not a penniless goy
Up here I’m a well bred toff
Not some hapless FedEx boy
But a hero with fine coiffe”
So Mrs. Claus grabs her rod
The pointed end sparkling red
Thrusts it toward his super cod
Makes him yelp for his death bed
Superman relents in shame
He will fly the gifts that year
While Santa sleeps off his game
With a feather in his rear
Next morning Santa comes back
In nothing but one stocking
Waves off the misses’ vile flack
Says he’s done with her knocking
Packs his bag for Rosita
A town down Mexico way
Leaves for a señorita
A girl who will suck and lay
Says she can keep the old store
The house in the Hamptons too
He’s done with his Christmas chore
The North Pole is too damned blue
But she will not let him leave
Not with a score to settle
She’s got a trick up her sleeve
Warm absinthe in a kettle
With the aid of her old slave
A lesbo elf named Red Fern
She holds him down with a trave
And makes him drink the old burn
The absinthe does a wonder
Makes Santa two inches tall
Robs him of all his thunder
Figurine fit for a ball
She keeps him in a snow globe
An ornament for their tree
And dons her sexy pink robe
To lure a fat man with Brie
She needs a new Santa Claus
Someone to drive the old sleigh
While she holds fast to the laws
Lest we do Christmas in May
